Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
3 2 1 whiskey
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Randomize
