my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
