If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
