my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
