I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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