Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
