I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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