Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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