If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
