i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
