it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
