I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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