She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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