Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
