Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
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