It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
