The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
