i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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