Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
