So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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