She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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