theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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