don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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