god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
