ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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