textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
