i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I am available for nakedness
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
