Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
