I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
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