...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
