checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We are all done wearing pants today
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Randomize
