i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
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