Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
