How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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