genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
