My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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