SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
tell me about the fingering
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