I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
