apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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