my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
