we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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