I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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