if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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