Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
