It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
