I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
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