Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I think my moral compass just broke
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
