If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
