He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
