Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
