I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just gift wrapped bread.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
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