woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
