I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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